Dear Body

I see other woman with my body type/shape and I always think that they’re beautiful! I see people smaller/larger/the same as me and I think they’re beautiful, too! I can easily appreciate the beauty in others, but I really struggle to find parts of you that I even like.
Before I hit puberty, you and I had a really good relationship. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t look away from what I saw. But then Mother Nature came knocking and things changed. I inherited my mom’s hips and our relationship went downhill from there. I got chubby and continued getting chubby until I just became overweight. I stopped getting taller and just got wider. This wasn’t something that could be helped. I looked after you, I ate relatively well and I was active at the time, it was just down to hormones.
I really struggled with you as a teenager. My younger brother would always call me fat and that brought me down. He didn’t mean it, it was just him being a pain – but I believed him. I stopped eating lunch at school because I didn’t want people to look at the “fat” girl stuffing her face. Of course, I wasn’t actually fat, it was just the way I saw myself.
When I was at university I used to get a lot of online abuse on Ask.fm (vile site – please don’t ever use it!) saying things like “big boobs don’t count if you’re fat” etc., so I wouldn’t eat for a few days because I was being told by people that I was fat and that made me hate you even more. I’ve physically hurt myself because of how much I’ve hated you.
When I was pregnant, my morning sickness was so bad and lasted all through my pregnancy that I actually lost weight and just after giving birth to Lillie, I was the slimmest I’d been in years and I was happy with you again, stretch marks and all!
But then, with the messed up eating habits due to lack of sleep and not having the time to cook proper meals, I put that weight back on and more and now I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and I can’t stand to look at you again.
Looking in the mirror when getting dressed is a daily struggle and I can’t bear to try clothes on in shop dressing rooms because I know I’ll have to look at you. I always come out of them on the verge of tears because nothing looks right on me or doesn’t fit the way I want it to.
And I try so hard to ignore the sizes because we all know they differ from shop to shop but it’s so hard – especially when you’re actual size is already a lot bigger than you’d like it be but you end up being two/three sizes bigger somewhere else.
But despite all that we’ve been through together, I want you to know that you are amazing and you are strong. You gave us our daughter. And those hips that I hate so much? They really helped with the delivery! Haha 
Even on days when I hate everything else about you, I’ll always remember the gift that you gave us! 
So, although we’re not on good terms right now, as it is Mother’s Day (and without you I wouldn’t be a mother) I promise to appreciate you and I also promise to start looking after you better so that we can be friends again.
Luckily,  Joe loves me and all my lumps and bumps and occasionally he makes me forget all the things I don’t like about myself.
Honestly, I don’t feel like my body is worthy of the way he looks at it. He sees something a lot different than I do, but I’m hoping that one day, I see what he sees.
___
As you can see, today’s post was a very personal one and one that I had a lot of difficulty writing. But I’ve seen a few of these posts recently and how brave some of those people have been to put their insecurities and their stories out there, that I really wanted to be a part of that.
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*For whatever reason, this post won’t format to be centred*
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